I'm crying on the inside...

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.... I REFUSE to see the scale tip 200. Just weighed myself. Once again the heaviest I've ever been. 188.5. And I've been feeling it. My clothes don't fit anymore. My favorite jeans have holes in them from being fat. My body is gross. I've never thought of it like that. Maybe a little chubby but not big and gross. Well, I'm big and gross. Wii fit told me the other day that I was obese. I finally hit it. Not to mention I only freakin' got on to weigh my dog. This is ridiculous. I want to start doing Jillian. I want to start running. I want to start eating vegetables and healthy food! REAL FOOD. I need more support. It's so hard alone. I want to join Weight Watchers again. I mean, like the meetings and stuff. Physical. I have it online but it doesn't make me accountable. Maybe I need to find a group on there or something. I don't know. UGH.

Goal: I am going to buy new jeans the first week of December. Well fitting jeans. I REFUSE to buy a size larger than a 10. We'll see.

It was hard to breathe today...

I am so ridiculously unhealthy it's making me physically ill. (well of course it is) I'm done. with the candy and chocolates and constant goodies and fast food and CRAP CRAP CRAP. I need healthy food. I WANT healthy food. so bad. I just don't know where to begin. I'm going to have a strawberry. The one piece of fruit in this house. That usually goes to the turtle. I'll give her one too...

:((

I have to wear a bathing suit today. ew.

Maytime

I've gained 20 pounds since I started this blog which was a little over a year ago. I've lost no weight. Obviously this did not do what it was supposed to do... I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I'm lazy and out of shape and I just don't know how to fix this. I would love to buy all kinds of awesome food and make my own food for lunch and dinner rather than eating out all the time but I live with people. Meaning there's no room for MY FOOD. It sucks like you wouldn't believe. I need to start working out. Like really. Maybe if I just start with Wii Fit and work up to something more challenging. I just need to make it a habit. I need to start Weight Watchers again too. I have it online now I just need to start DOING IT. I did it the other day and was good until dinner where I fell apart. I need to go buy some Progresso soups so I can have those for lunch or dinner and then splurge on the other. 0 point soups FTW! I ripped my jeans again the other day. I'm such a fatty! This is so sickening. I want to look good and feel good for once... Please!

hmm

So. I tend to have these days where I make incredibly wild goals that I know I'll never meet even though I really want to... I pretend like I'm a different person that could actually do these things. Waking up early sounds like a great plan at night, but if you don't prepare (which I don't, as you can see, I like to stay up incredibly late) then in the morning you're like.. Screw that, I want to SLEEP. So. I've decided morning resolutions are probably not the best idea for me. I will have to try to do things at night since I can't sleep anyway. But then I'm always tired and exhausted and lazy in the evening. so there's that excuse. wtf. herein lies my issue. I'm most alert and ready to work out and do what I need to do around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. Unfortunately, that's smack in the middle of WORK. By the time I get home, I'm no longer motivated to do anything. I really don't know how I'm going to figure this out. It's been the dilemma of my life. I need responsibility to get me motivated. Maybe the puppy will help. Get up early to feed her... walk her maybe... depending on the time. we'll see how that works out. I need someone to count on me. That seems to be the only motivation I can think of.

For the first time, I really feel FAT. it's dragging me down. before, I knew I had some extra weight, but I could hide it alright and it never really bothered me that much. Now I feel huge. I'm still the heaviest I've ever been. I want to stop feeling trapped in my jeans. They're too tight. I ripped my favorite pair last month while moving. Right in the thigh seams. That was a hint. I need to do something about this. I need to control my eating first. I've been doing alright, but I could be so much better.

Maybe if I keep up here I can feel somewhat accountable. We'll see.